I love drama... Just make sure it's a period piece.

So, this has been some* week. I can do without all the excitement.

When I was younger, I thrived on drama. In the workplace, with my friends, with my lovers... the juicier the better. When I first started dating Jeff, I was surprised by how smoothly things went. I figured that something must be wrong. What was he hiding? He must have several thousand skeletons hiding in his closet. I'm not proud of it, but I stirred the pot on occasion. Nothing big, but I started more than a couple of arguments. Just your basic "You don't really love me, do you?" kind of stuff. Fortunately for me, he really does love me.

Slowly, over time, I began to appreciate a life without chaos. I began to recognize the worth in a relationship without those crazy highs and deep, dark lows. I started to revel in the "vanilla" that made up our day to day life. Today, I am thoroughly spoiled. I mean, we still bicker every now and then.. what couple doesn't? For the most part though, we get along well, and I consider Jeff my best friend.

So imagine my disdain for all the bullshit that has occurred this past week. All the 'Disorder' that I've been able to weed out of my life (and it hasn't been easy. Some things/people just don't want to leave) has come to visit. In fact, it's walked right in my front door and found a comfortable spot on the couch. It looks like it's brought luggage. I need to nip this in the bud, show it the front door.  I have a plan to escort the dysfunction from my life- it may seem simple, but it's difficult to put into action.

First on my list has been starting an antidepressant. Wellbutrin, in fact. My Dr didn't even blink when I asked for it. Having a husband in Iraq and finding a lump on your breast would probably give anyone anxiety.

Next up is scheduling my appointments for the mammogram/ultrasound and the breast specialist. I really want to play "ostrich" right now, but I have a little boy that probably wants me around for a long time.

I'm trying to de-clutter my life. I have been going to the storage facility, grabbing a box or a bag, and bringing it "home" to go through. I really don't want to hang on to every little thing..... Actually, I have to find a way to organize all the cards that Jeff and I have given each other. I just can't throw those out. (Any ideas that don't involve scrapbooking? I suck at that.)  Also, many of my friends and family know that I've  given up my beloved collection of all things girly (all my lotions, body washes, perfumes and makeup) in order to reduce my chemical exposure. I missed out on an opportunity to sell most of it at my SIL's yardsale, and I have a box of stuff for a friend of mine... just waiting for her to give birth! Right now everything is just sitting in my youngest brother's old bedroom, driving me bonkers. I think I've actually heard it call out to me in the middle of the night. Nobody has to know, Anna. Just me and you. C'mon, baby. You know you still want me. Give me a little spritz. I need you. Ok... maybe not, but I'll feel much better when I get that crap out of the house.

Finally, I'm trying to simply breathe. I know that I can't merely will my life be perfect.  I admit, I have a problem with control and relinquishing any of it is a difficult task for me. I am trying to let go, trying to find my path, trying to reach Zen, trying to just Be. I know that my life is currently disharmonious, and it will continue to be until Jeff comes home, but I would like a bit of that peace back.

The most difficult task in life is taking a leap.You have to be courageous. You have to find the strength. You have to be willing to fall. Not every leap is over a canyon, some are just the cracks on the sidewalk.

It's those cracks that frighten me. I want to walk softly and quietly, and hope that if I fall down, there are people willing to help me back up.



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*My upsets from this past week have included (but are not limited to):

• Alec and I were chased by an aggressive pit bull. I'm really aggravated because now I'm afraid to walk in that area. Does 'Killer' care nothing for my cardio workout?
• I had to argue and debate with a bitchy an unpleasant pharmacy manager in order to resolve a simple problem. I think some people like to spread their unhappiness.
• My Diaper Genie has broken and only Jeff knows how to fix it (sometimes it's the small things.)
• I turned 33. Yeah. I'm getting really old. Can I still say I'm in my early 30's? Can I get away with late 20's? Didn't think so.
• I miss my friend. Danielle would have turned 32 on the 16th. Time may heal all wounds, but the scar runs deep.
• I have been dealing with my lump. I'm trying to remain positive, but it's difficult when all I really want is my husband to hold and comfort me, and that's impossible.
• Jeff's safety. He tells me things that I can't really share with the general public, and some of it really scares me. Faith is a difficult concept for me to grasp, but I must trust that he will be fine. He has told me that he's not worried, and I shouldn't be either.  I'm going to have to put my confidence in him.